It is late

..and I am tired. This is a statement true for tonight and for my life.

I am a happy woman. I adore my kids, cherish my husband, enjoy being with my friends. I even like my stupid dog most days. I have a roof over my head, an internet connection, and a fridge. I have video games to play, books to read, podcasts to listen to, and yarn to fondle.

I've always been awful at following through with things. To this moment I have no idea whether this is simply how I am built, or if it is that I've never had any passion for my own pursuits. Crochet projects don't count here, for two reasons: One, that 99% of yarnies have more unfinished projects than they can count; and two, my friggin hands HURT. Oh, but to have a few days to work on something.

But this is beside the point, and not at all what I am trying to get off my chest. I am intellectually unhappy. More clarification here: I am not unhappy with the quality of the intellect of others in my life. The people in my life are all bright and imaginative people with whom I can have any number of intelligent conversations with.

*I* am stagnating. I want to be creative. I want to learn new shit. I want to delve deep into my own mind to see what it's capable of, both artistically and analytically. I want to challenge myself with something that I am passionate about and see what I am capable of. I'm tired of having my challenges chosen for me by chance and policy.

There are too many options. There have ALWAYS been too many options. I don't just have one thing I want to do, it's all these stupid things that are totally unrelated, and pretty much incompatable. And impractical.

There are things I once thought I would like to do with my life, that I know I will never manage. I'll never be an archaeologist, I'll never get to study stonehenge up close and personal. I'll never be a college professor, I'll never study botany in the amazon. I'm ok with that. But there are other things within my reach. Things that will be OUT of my reach if I sit on them long enough. I need to decide why I am still sitting. Before it is too late, and I end up retiring from my accidental retail career with no time left for any challenge other than making it to the bathroom on time and getting my kids to come visit me in the nursing home.

I need to choose something to try. I need to think hard and quickly, and decide which thing I will throw my considerable stubbornness and resilience at, before any more of my life passes by, and I lose out because of my own stupidity, or fear, or whatever this is.